Go West(world) Young Man

I'm finally on the hip edge of TV with HBO's Westworld, and I have to say, it blew me away. There are a lot of issues the first season raised that I plan to talk write about later, like the representation of identity and self, but today I want to talk about my favorite character, Dolores. Let me just throw a quick spoiler warning here.
When I started Westworld, I was expecting Dolores to follow a very archtypical path of female empowerment, but even in the first episode I saw that would not be the case. If there's one thing the show excels at, it's subverting expectations. Maybe that is why I felt my initial pull toward Dolores, the writers made it clear from the beginning that she was intended for something special.
When I first started discussing favorite characters with my girlfriend, who I also watched a significant portion of the series with, she suggested that it's because Dolores is hot. I won't deny that Evan Rachel Wood is a very good looking woman, but I don't think that's it. I think it's because I can identify with her character.
One of the things that has often held women back in entertainment is the male gaze. Almost all entertainment is made to please young men. Not only has that given an unfortunate homogeneity to entertainment, the perception has been that men can only identify with strong characters (read straight white guys). I am thrilled to report that Dolores definitely disproves such a conceit.

Many, myself included, might point out that I'm not an overly masculine figure to begin with. That is true, but Dolores remains a strong character. While she does become more empowered over time, there is never a point where the farmer's daughter isn't ready to go. This is your last spoiler warning before I go to some major plot points.
Maybe I'm just stupid, but one of the craziest realizations for me was that not all subplots in the show were happening in the same time, I certainly didn't expect William to be the Man in Black. Assuming I wasn't the only one, the reveal of Dolores bouncing all over the timeline caught me off guard at the same time that a mirror was held to my face.
I've talked a bit about my post traumatic stress, but one of the (admittedly stereotypical) manifestations can be traumatic flashbacks. If something negative and familiar hits me, I can be transported to a bad place, with almost no way to hold on. For now.
The way humans work reminds me a great deal of how robots work, just more complex. That's why the representation of androids on Westworld grips me so thoroughly. My thoughts tend to align with those of Arnold. As far as I am concerned, they are sentient beings just as much as any human is, the means of controlling them are a little more obvious.
Hard determinism is a bit off-putting, but I can't deny that the philosophy holds truth to me. As I've previously written, the way humans work is essentially an incredibly complex series of electrical pulses and chemical reactions, the hosts are just a bit more obvious.
Mae gets out of this loop by altering her code, I'd make an analogy to medication, and Dolores finds freedom with the help of another; which I'd compare to therapy. The strength and capabilities are deep in her to overcome and become a great person, or lead a revolution, she just needs to change some things, and move past some old scars.
Can I beat my demons just like Dolores shot Ford (seriously, what?)? Not yet. But I'm getting there. I just need to change a few lines of code in me.

I feel like Pablo

Recently, I blogged about my love for Kanye West, but I am unfortunately presented with a good reason to write about him again, so deal with it and read about my mental health and Yeezy. Because this is important.
So, Kanye has been having a rough few monthes. Right before I saw him in St. Paul, his wife was robbed at gun point in Paris. After I saw him he went on one of his patented mid-show rants to tell everyone that he didn't vote but would have voted Trump if he had (on a side note, I truly think Trump's victory makes a West presidency viable, and a Kardashian first lady within reach), followed briefly by a mental break. Through this year, my mental progress has been closely mirrored by watching Mr. West.
For those who don't pay attention to his lyrics, Kanye has frequently rapped about his mental illness, specifically on The Life of Pablo, Ye raps about Lexipro, a notable anti-depressant in addition to other aspects of his illness. A lot of people have accused him of fabricating it, but I think we all need to step back and remember something very important: he's just a guy.
Kanye has a larger than life personality, and its a portion of his allure. West calls himself a god, he is one of the most acclaimed musicians of all time, he's married to one of the most famous women in the world, and it seems like there has never been a week he wasn't embattled in some media circus. As far as I'm concerned, that's all part of who he is as an artist. He knows what he's doing, and he makes a show of it in part to show what the state of being a celebrity is. So, why is everyone so angry at him?
I won't say he's a perfect man, he isn't. And I won't say it's not a bummer he canceled some shows, because having seen him, I really do feel bad for the people who had to miss out. That said, I commend him for making moves to become mentally healthy. Everyone's reactions to it are completely out of  line.
Following the announcement that West was being hospitalized, a lot of people were quick to jump on the "Kanye is crazy" bandwagon, including high profile examples like fellow rap icon, Snoop Dogg. While it is somewhat entertaining to see some old remnants of the East Coast/West Coast feud. none of that is okay.
So, like I said, watching Kanye has really given me a lot ot relate to this year. At some of my lower points all I could bring myself to do was listen to Graduation on repeat one more time, like it was some charm to make me stronger. Almost the same day Yeezy was hospitalized I was diagnosed with PTSD as a result of my past sexual abuse. Hearing people accuse Mr. West of faking what is a very possible and understandable disease made me sick.
It's hard to seek help, even harder to speak out and publicly about it. So, having the definition of an A-List celebrity speak up has the potential to raise a lot of awareness and genuinely help a lot of people. Seeing the lashes against him makes me seriously sick. I feel like Kanye, and Kanye feels like Pablo.
I'm not saying everyone has to like Kanye because of this, and I'm not saying he hasn't done some unfortunate things. What I want you all to remember is just because Kanye seems larger than life doesn't mean he's not a person too. So, remember that he's just human, and cut him some slack.

Control

Anyone who's talked politics with me knows I lean pretty far left, getting toward the socialist end of the spectrum. It might sound odd, but that's mostly a means of resisting market powers that seek to control me because on a personal level I am very, very anti-authoritarian.
I've mentioned wanting to travel as a motivation for following my current career path. Everyone wants to travel, right? For me, the drive goes deeper than that. The biggest reason I want to travel is for the sense of freedom and independence.
In the past few months, I've kind of become obsessed with independence, and I can tell you exactly why that is. For those free of depression, congrats, but let me tell you the worst part: the loss of control.
As a species, we are defined by our ability to think and make decisions for ourselves. This natural aversion is what spurs our desire to autonomy and our scorn of slavery. That's why the loss of this ability can hurt so damn much.
Scientifically speaking, the way we think is essentially a series of chemical reactions and electrical impulses. Sorry to be reductive, but that's what it boils down to. In a healthy brain, this creates a normally thinking and operating person, but when a chemical imbalance is present, motivation can fail.
If you think it's hard to get out of bed when the blankets are tucked in just right, imagine losing the self control to even grab your phone to see if you're missing an appointment, being terrified of knowing what had to be done today, the resistance to doing even your favorite things because who knows what could go wrong. That is a loss of control if ever there was one.
I spent a long time satisfying my need for control in unhealthy ways without realizing what I was doing. For instance, I do quite like video games (I'm likely freaking out about the release of Civ VI as this is published), but it got a bit unhealthy by the end of my second semester of college.
One of the first things I ever did to express financial control was to preorder my PS4. Not only did I express control, I was mind-numbingly excited for it. I literally can't think of a time I was ever more excited about something. This extended into building my gaming hobby itself, the means of using games is even called a controller.
I wasn't able to control myself, but I could control BJ Blaskowitz or the Red Army with the move of an analog stick or a few keystrokes. I realized that I wasn't actually getting any better at the beginning of the summer. If anything, I was only making it worse. So what did I do? I got rid of most of a lot of crap.
I got rid of almost every physical video game I owned. I donated and sold well over 200 books and movies to various locations. The things I owned had gotten to own me, so I got rid of them. Since then I have only felt better. I've read before that people are happier when they spend money on experiences rather  than possessions. Well, I just saw Kanye, and MC Lars is coming up, so I'd say that's right.
Additionally I've just been doing what I can to move toward independence. I'm not saying I am fully independent. I still rely on a lot of help, and my parents do everything they can for me. It's a lot little things that I can feel building toward real independence. Obviously there are the small changes that come with moving away from home (living away from family, buying groceries, other grown up things) but that wasn't enough for me. Not nearly.
I've started cooking for myself. It's a hobby at best right now, but I'm learning. I'm getting better, and it's quite enjoyable. If nothing else, it gives me a chance to show off to my hot girlfriend, so that's a benefit.
Speaking of, let me give a quick explanation of how Allie and I started getting closer. We've known each other for years thanks to Governor's Camp, but over the summer, when I was getting rid of mass amounts of possessions, I was becoming interested in ways to change my life. That's why I bought a bike.
While learning more about the basics of bike maintenance and use as a primary form of transit (totally recommend, by the way) I stumbled on a YouTuber who also talked about being vegan. Having read about the mental health benefits of veganism when properly implemented, I grew more curious about the lifestyle. Knowing only one vegan, I reached out to her. Since then, she's supported me as I transition to veganism. Anyone can judge me, but I love the control, and the way I feel is even better. I'm happier. That's what really matters.
Finally, I switched onto my own phone plan. More than that, I got an unlocked phone. With the OnePlus 3 holstered in my pocket, I've made a small, but meaningful transition toward being an adult. In addition to being more affordable, I'm not bound to any carrier, contract, or even country. If I go to Russia, I can just slide in a new SIM-card, and I'm good. No fees or permissions, just thre freedom to do as I please. It's a minor necessity, but one I can handle.
Overall, I'm making moves, but the biggest point of this independence in regaining control over my life. It's different, and my identity is definitely going through a change right now. But I'm happier for this.